A Confrontation of the Condiment Condemnation

Daniel Ross has just put up a lengthy new post concerning his extreme aversion to most things he classifies as a condiment.

I have many thoughts regarding this new posting, but more importantly are the questions I have after reading it. Perhaps the most unsatisfying thing for me as the reader of this blog was the fact that I felt like Dan left unanswered the question of why he has such an intense fear of what I find mostly enjoyable food accessories.

I think that my disappointment is due to the fact that I was under the impression that Dan was about to reveal the reasons behind his fears. In his second paragraph, he briefly notes that one reason he is afraid of ketchup is that as a child it reminded him of blood. His next sentence tells us, however, that "this does not explain everything." Between that very suspenseful sentence and the fact that he starts telling us a story, beginning with his childhood, I feel I was led to believe he would continue exploring the reasons occurring throughout his life that led him to develop this ludicrous phobia.

As I moved from the second paragraph to the third, I had sensed some definite foreshadowing, and felt the suspense building. I was excited to watch Dan delve into the myriad possible contributing factors to his fear of dressings and mustard and mayo. He states his main fears: ketchup, shaving cream, and monsters. His fear of ketchup we already somewhat understand from having read the second paragraph, his fear of monsters is something pretty obligatory for a child, and his fear of shaving cream is later addressed in the posting. He goes on to say, however, that he also feared 'salad dressing in all of its forms, mustard, and mayonnaise,' and then doesn't even begin to let us know why he would actually fear such beneficial things. I can understand disliking them, especially as a child, but a fear seems completely unwarranted, and he doesn't even 'go there.'

Whilst I am on the subject of Dan's supposed fear of salad dressing in all of its forms, I must note that I know for a fact that Dan enjoys Subway's Red Wine Vinaigrette. This is most definitely a salad dressing, and he not only does not fear it, but he likes it. This leads me to believe that Dan is a dramatic and exaggerating individual and that for this reason he has blown up out of proportion a common childhood dislike/distrust of condiments.

Another question that the posting raises is how Dan did not notice that his brother had slathered shaving cream all over his door handle. How could one not notice this? How could one not see that, especially during childhood, when one's range of vision is much closer to the height of a standard door handle? I do not understand.

Lastly, despite my criticisms of the post, and the immense joy it would bring me if Dan were to enjoy some of these condiments he hates, he should rest assured that I would never try to trick him into eating them. Partly this is because I know he employs rigorous testing techniques, but also because as a friend I do grudgingly accept the sad fact that Dan will not eat these things, some of which I know truly are delicious. I accept it even if I do not understand it, even though I find it ridiculous.

Jew hot dogs

Stephan gave Dan a hot dog. I doubt that this was enough for Dan. Hopefully there was at least a potato bun to accompany this meager snack. If there had been a bun, I would have expected such an accoutrement to have been noted.

I like to envision Dan slouching Dan-style in a chair, one hand with a firm grip on the coffee cup resting on his knee, the other, also resting on his knee, gingerly holding the bare, plain hot dog upright by one end. In this situation he is looking at Stephan (who is talking), nodding and saying, "Yeah." I couldn't help but then imagine him stirring his cafe bustelo with that naked hot dog, nodding very mock-seriously, but it is unlikely that this part transpired.

I wondered then if Dan liked honey, or cottage cheese. The results are not yet in.

Nasty Sub

Dan has consumed a chicken parmigiana sub along with a soda-pop. While I am happy that he has eaten some more, I regret that it was something he found poorly made, tough, and stringy. I want to know where he got this nasty sub.

I guess I am surprised that Miami doesn't have more available late night. I find it sort of hard to believe, but then again one time Stephan and I wandered downtown Miami for hours looking for food, and that was in the middle of the day. Dan was in Coral Gables, I think, though, at the time of this ingestion. I don't know. I am happy that I can go to Harris Teeter all night long, but going to a grocery store means either buying snacks, or buying ingredients and taking the time to cook yourself a meal. In general, I think that Miami is superior to Raleigh in every single way, so as a result I figure there must be some more options than Dan realizes, perhaps.